also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
