He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
