We're like a lot better than the average bears
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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