Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize