I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
