My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
