Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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