Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
