we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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