Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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