dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
