I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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