Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
