it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
