it was like his penis was on wheels.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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