you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
