Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize