i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
