so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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