I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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