Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
