I think im going to throw up on grandma
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
