that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
