Yo dont text me then not text me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
