I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You ruined the universe
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
