i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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