If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
