My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
