you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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