Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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