Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize