I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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