im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
