I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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