What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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