moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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