just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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