Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You are the jesus of drinking
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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