I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
