you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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