I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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