this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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