I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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