How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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