my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
