i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
