I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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