So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
