can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
