I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
