She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
