I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
