im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
