I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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