I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
