i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize