Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
