At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
