she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
