how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
