I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
