Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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