I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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