I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize