omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
