Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize