No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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