I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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