Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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